And I Smiled…

I headed to Austin last week with a heavy heart. I was (and am) mourning the loss of my brother-in-law and was so conflicted by how I was going to make this a successful trip of networking, socializing, and “selling my brand” when I had a hard time even smiling.

And then I received texts from writer friends who’d arrived ahead of me, asking when I’d get there and saying how excited they were to see me. And I smiled.

And when I arrived at the hotel, and then at conference the next morning, I was greeted with high-pitched squeals and warm hugs that made my heart feel like it might burst. And I smiled.

And so it went. Time after time, each day I was there. Someone sharing a kind word, a sweet compliment, a big bear hug. And it all made me smile.

Then, just as quickly, the moment would hit and I’d feel the wave of grief billowing through me. Whether while listening to a guest speaker and feeling overwhelmed by her words, or during a conversation with a friend who asked how I was doing, or simply a quiet moment when I’d think about what was going on back home. There were several shower sob sessions during that week. (What is it about water that makes us so emotional? Is it just me?) And my mind would again wonder what I was doing there.

I was so sad and so happy, depending on the moment.

There was a part of me that wanted to take it all in and just be grateful I had these wonderful people and opportunities in front of me.

And there was a part of me just so very raw and heartbroken.

But again and again, there were those moments that would sweep in and lift my heart and the corners of my mouth.

“How are your boys?”
“I love your blog!”
“Come sit with me.”
“I’m praying for you.”

Over and over again.

And then, I looked down as I was walking to the awards ceremony Friday night and realized my shoes matched the sparkly floor. And I smiled. And even took a picture.

It felt good to be dressed up, to do my hair and makeup, to be surrounded by supportive, loving people, to let myself be in that moment of celebrating the incredible work of so many in our field. And I stopped.

And I realized it was OK. All of this was OK.

Because sometimes, we have to let ourselves sit in the sadness for a little while.

And sometimes . . . we need to let ourselves put on glittery shoes and smile.

Because it’s OK to let your heart feel good in the middle of mourning. It may feel odd, and it may not last very long, but I know it’s helpful in some way. It’s soothing, and replenishing, and comforting at the same time.

So, if you’re there, if you’re deep in it or trying to move through it, remember that your heart needs to smile, even in the heaviness of grief.